How many dates before it's okay to sleep with him/her?
I have fantastic news for everybody! Elle has finally done the research and the polls have finally given us the answer to the ultimate, undying question we all ask ourselves: When is it okay to finally have sex with somebody? Well, according to studies, it is more socially acceptable to sleep with somebody after 3.53 dates. Yes...so after he takes you to dinner on the first date, and you guys meet for a drink on the second date, on the third date, a little more than halfway through the movie, you guys can officially get your sexy time on! And mostly everybody will NOT judge you! There were alot of really other interesting results and you can check them out here, but let's focus on that 3.53 dates and breath a sigh of relief...
Actually, does anybody else find this completely absurd!?!
When it comes to dating, I, personally, have always been straightforward and honest. I know there are so many games that need to be played.
"Ignore him, and he'll want you more."
"Don't text him for three days, otherwise you seem needy."
"Flirt with his friend, but don't be too obvious. Just enough to get him jealous."
"Make out with your best girlfriend in front of him and he'll totally want you."
Ugh! Enough to make my head throb all over again, and I'm married now! It still stresses me out all the "rules" and the "games."
When I was single, I came off as very forward. Probably too forward, which made plenty of people uncomfortable. I've been told I'm very aggressive...but this was after I simply made my feelings known to someone. And that's my general "rule." If somebody found me too aggressive, they obviously weren't meant to handle me. If I was attracted to somebody, I usually told them I was. I've often made the first move, because if I want to kiss somebody, or (dare I say it!) have sex with somebody, I made the initiative. Usually.
Sometimes I would crush over somebody so hard, that I would desperately cling to any rules I can find, whether from friends or the internet. I'm sure plenty of you have been down that road, and I'm sure plenty of you wish you had not gone down that road. That road of checking your make-up every five minutes. That road of self criticism because you played TOO hard to get. It's awful.
Which brings me to my topic: When is it okay to have sex with somebody? The answer is very simple: When you are ready!
A friend recently asked me if I thought it was okay to sleep with somebody on a first date. I laughed, because we both knew my husband spent the night with me on our first date. Hell, on our first meeting!
"I slept with this guy I really like, but I just met him," she said. "And now I'm worried what he will think of me."
"Did you want to have sex with him and were you safe?" I asked.
"Well, yeah. And of course!"
"Then I think it's okay."
There are a few things I want to analyze about this. First of all, she was very concerned about what he was going to think about her "giving it up" on the first date. Doing a little bit of research, I found out on a few different websites that asked men what they think about women who sleep on a first date, and guess what? They are surprisingly just as diverse as women!
Some don't mind it. Some do. Seriously, it's their perogative, whether I think they're coming off as an asshole or not.
The same goes for ladies. The biggest thing I want to say is that it has to do with personal choice. And, seriously, our preferences change from day to day. I love mac 'n cheese, but I'm not going to order it at every restaurant every time. The same goes for sex. Sometimes, if I'm feeling good energy from the guy, I might have sex with him the first night. Sometimes I won't, because I don't feel a good vibe. Or for whatever reason. Sometimes I'm just on my period and it's not a good time!
One of my biggest problems has to do with the notion of self respect. I remember the talks in school about sex and abstinence. I remember the hush-hush discussions among friends at the lunchroom tables. And they all kind of amounted to this:
"It's important to have self respect for yourself and for your body, which is why you don't have sex until you're married. A girl who has sex with many partners has no respect for herself."
Before I get to the topic of self respect, very quickly, I just want to discuss that it was usually the girls and the women losing their dignity, hardly the guys. The girls had to own up to a level of purity, and not necessarily the men. Food for thought.
The issue of self respect definitely needs to be discussed because we're missing the most important word in that phrase: self. Your self respect has nothing to do with me, or your counselor, or even your family and friends. It has to do with yourself. For people to hold women to their personal set standard of self respect is ridiculous. Self respect has to do with your own personal feelings and choices.
Sex has to do with choice. It's completely up to you when you want to have sex. The latest magazines might tell you otherwise and might have a formula that can tell you the exact date you should have sex with your significant other, but there's no point in it if it's not ultimately your choice.
And yes, sometimes the person you were hoping to have a budding relationship with lost their respect for you the moment you went to bed with them. Let's be honest. Do we really want to be in a relationship with somebody who sets their own standards for you? With somebody who doesn't really respect your choices?
And let's just say I did wait for that special guy, and let's say I met him and decided to wait until 3.53 dates. On the fifth date, he might tell me that he would have lost interest if I had "given it up" easily. I don't think my relationship with that person would last either way.
I think we put a lot of emphasis on that first time we have sex. Your v-card. Your cherry. Your flower. And I'm definitely not one to say that it should or shouldn't be a special moment for both parties. Let's get this out of the way first: can we please stop refering to it as "Taking one's virginity"? It's not something you take. It's something that is shared and given willingly.
Off topic there, but yes, I completely understand why some people really want to hold off on their first time, because they're really hoping it's with somebody special and preferably somebody they will be with for the rest of their lives. I think it's very important to understand that most of us do not end up with the person we slept with in high school. Or even in college. Yes, there are plenty of happy stories of people marrying their high school or college sweetheart. But it's also okay if you're not one of those people. It doesn't make them any better or any worse than you. What's important is that the person you share the moment with is respectful of your choices, and that it is consentual. I wish I could add that it's important that it's beautiful and sacred, but putting so much pressure on your first time can often lead to disappointment. Believe me!
So, how many dates should you go on before you have sex? Your answer, quite frankly, is none of my business and is more along the lines of "Whenever you feel like it and it's mutual."
