We need to talk about something that rhymes with "shmush-shmore-shman"

One of my favorite topics of discussion for my high school classes is when I bring up abortion. I bring up many other "controversial" topics. Recently, I talked about diversity, racism, and sexism in the entertainment industry, inspired by Viola Davis. If you have no idea what I'm talking about with that, PLEASE CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO. Sometimes it gets pretty heated, but I enjoy it! At the beginning of the year, I tell them, "We're going to be talking about some pretty taboo subjects that might make you uncomfortable." But it's very important for me to remind them that they're in a safe place, where they can freely express their opinion. Not everyone is going to agree with them, and there might just be a chance that they will rethink some of their opinions, values, and even morals.

I think that's one of the most important things of being an activist and a feminist. Always understanding that you might end up being on the ignorant side of the scale, even if you do feel you are a much more pro-active person. I've had my mind changed on several occassions about different issues. Which brings me to my topic:

ABORTION

Calm down everyone! Let's talk about this.

There was this conversation I had with my parents when I was maybe a freshman in high school. They were reading the Sunday paper, and I was just getting up and making me some breakfast, not really paying attention to what they were saying. But I heard the word abortion get thrown out there. I didn't really understand what abortion was, to be honest, but I knew it had to do with "beliefs." And, I wasn't really paying attention to what they said, but for some reason, I wanted to let my parents know how smart I was and that I knew what was up, even though I didn't really. And I said:

"I don't understand why the government gets involved with religious things like abortion, when there is supposed to be a separation of church and state."

I was pro-choice before I even knew what the word even meant! And man, did I disappoint my parents! Woohoo! They looked at me with such disbelief.

And I remember my mom not wanting to say anything. She didn't even look at me. She just kind of ignored me and pretended that I wasn't there. She did that when I was about 6-years-old as well, when I thought I was being smart with a discussion of Adam & Eve, and I blatantly asked, "Who's Adam & Even and what do we care about them?" I really was trying to be funny, but no I really didn't know who Adam & Eve were. And my mom was ashamed and gave me my frist book of bible stories the next day.

But I'm digressing! Why do I do that!?! So, it was basically a conversation between my dad and I, and after I made my bold statement that I thought would make them proud, my dad just looks at me, and the conversation went something like this:

"Because it's wrong."

"Well, yeah, because we believe it's wrong. But it's not wrong to everybody else."

"No. It's wrong."

".....but it's wrong because of religion," I said.

"No, Krista. It is wrong."

And that's pretty much how the conversation went for a good 5 minutes, and then I finally realized that, "Okay, we're definitely a family that doesn't like abortion! There you go."

A few years later, my sophomore year in college, during the MySpace days, there was group note (Yall remember those? They were usually silly surveys.) But, the one I came across was Pro-Life propoganda, and it showed pictures of baby parts that were aborted. And, I thought to myself, "This is why they think it's wrong! This needs to be shared." And I shared it! And I thought I was doing something great. I think I even put, "Sorry guys, but this has to be shared. It might be hard to look at, but it's truth."

::hangs head in shame::

A couple of days later, a friend confronts me over a beer and says, "Geez, Krista! I thought you of all people were better than to be one of those people that spreads all that abortion propaganda around! Especially you!"

What the hell, man! I didn't know we all like dead babies! And I was legitimately confused. But I still made no attempt to look into it and think about it. I was listening to conversations about pro-life and pro-choice and it's a woman's body and it's murder and all this stuff, but I never truly took the time to look into it. Why would a woman ever want to kill a baby? That was my mentality.

But then, one fateful day, a friend of a friend of a friend got pregnant, and we were on the verge of graduating college. And this person tells me she's pregnant and that she thinks she's going to have an abortion. And without even thinking about it, I said, "It's your choice."

BOOM.

The Most Responsible Decision a Woman Can Make

A week ago, I attended an activist training (if you will) sponsored by Texas Rising, and they were talking about reproductive rights, particularly abortion. And many, many things stood out for me, but one thing in particular was something this woman said.

It's not necessarily the hardest choice a woman will make.

In fact, sometimes it's pretty clear what she's gotta do. And rather than claiming this to be the hardest choice a woman will make, I think it's important to claim it the most responsible decision a woman can make. To condemn women who make a decision like having an abortion because of financial reasons, relationship situations, health reasons, personal choices, not being ready, or whatever it is, isn't okay. In fact, it's kind of something to be applauded.

What's very ironic to me is when a woman does go through an unplanned pregnancy, she's still condemned. Especially if she isn't married. It just seems like she's damned if she does and she's damned if she doesn't. But what is even more bothersome is the the fact that it is nobody else's choice. Nobody is forcing anybody to have an abortion. A woman just has to make that responsible decision herself. That responsible decision of whether she is going to bring in a new life and share it regardless of her circumstances, or if she's going to hold off and maybe wait for a better time or not at all is only hers.

Let's look at it from a more personal level. A 19-year-old girl is in a steady relationship, and she has always wanted to wait until marriage before she has sex. But one night, let's say things got carried away and she had unprotected sex and got pregnant. Let's say someone tells her that she has to go through the pregnancy and it would be immoral to have an abortion, even though she's fresh out of high school, and things between her and her boyfriend are not very steady, and she wouldn't be able to afford to go to continue college and raise a child. But she goes through with it. There's many outcomes that can happen.

Of course, what pro-lifers will say is that life is full of opportunity and everybody deserves a chance at life. What they don't tell you is that those children born in poverty "are more likely to be poor between ages 25 and 30, drop out of high school, have a teen nonmarital birth, and have patchy employment records than those not poor at birth."

"But there's always adoption! Didn't you watch Juno?"

The chances of being adopted after 5 years old drops immensely and most usually end up in foster care. And the studies aren't very pretty with foster care, showing high poverty rates, high incarceration rates, high teen pregnancy rates, and plenty more. Of course there are great stories about how a woman chose to go through with her pregnancy and she worked hard and had a beautiful relationship with her child. I've seen Gilmore Girls!

But that doesn't make it any less of a choice than someone who chooses to wait.

There's also the mentality that women who get abortions are sex crazed teenagers who are having unsafe sex and should be getting abstinence only education. Actually, the highest abortion rate are women in their 20s who already have one or more kids. Some of them actually being in steady relationships or being married! Yeah, tell a married woman she shouldn't be having sex! Or for that matter, tell her husband! Let's see how that conversation works out.

#ShoutYourAbortion

While attending the seminar last week, one of my favorite discussions was talking about abortions. Both women who were speaking had abortions themselves, and they said it and claimed it very calmly. And I was caught off guard with this, until they explained their reasoning.

This goes back to my last argument about shaming women, and it actually being a resonsible decision. We treat the word abortion like it's a bad word and a mortal sin. Let me just remind you all that abortion happened in the bible, and God actually showed a priest how to conduct an abortion in Numbers 5:22.

I'm not hating on Christianity, especially since my family is mostly Christian. But I am saying it seems rather silly to claim that God doesn't like abortion when he gave the recipe to conduct one when it came to adultery.

Once again, I'm digressing! We were shown a video of women talking freely about their abortions, and it was amazingly beautiful. I never expected to feel happy for a woman getting an abortion. Abortion has a very sad energy to it, and even when it's mentioned in pop culture, it's kind of condemned and usually a story about sadness.

Most women who have abortions talk about a sense of relief as opposed to regret. There's nothing wrong with making a decision for both you and your family. Because ultimately that's what you're doing, whether you have a family or not. To choose not to have a family in an unstable environment, that in itself is thinking about your family. Well, just a few days later, the #ShoutYourAbortion campaign got going and it was amazing to see these women step forward in saying it was an important decision they NEEDED to make.

For abortions to be kept quiet makes it seem that women do not need abortions. No. Women are in need of them, but they're being taught not to talk about them. In fact, 1 in every 3 women have had at least one abortion in their life. And maybe it's time we did start talking about them and the reasons we have them.

But I'm a Mother

It's hard for me to talk about my own thoughts of having an abortion, because I myself am a mother. But, I would be lying if I said that I've always wanted to be a mom. In fact I never ever ever wanted to be a mother. When I first met my husband that was one of the first things I told him. "I don't ever want to have kids." When I would say that, I would never think to myself, "I'm going to get an abortion if I get pregnant." I would just do my best to stay safe, and let's be honest. Sometimes our best is very weak, especially when you're weak in the knees with passion, if you know what I mean! ;)

I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was already 4 months. Maybe it was denial. Maybe I was just really stupid about my own body. But none the less, there I was pregnant and not ready. And my husband said he was going to support me with whatever decision I was going to make. And yes, I did think about an abortion, and I imagine it's much harder for me to talk about that, since I didn't go through with it.

A woman who goes through with her abortion, she can say she made a very responsible decision. But then, with someone like me who chooses to have her baby, I think I am hit with more guilt for even thinking about an abortion. And it's something that I'm personally trying to cope with and get past, because there are no regrets. I love my family and I adore my son with all my heart. And, no, it wasn't the path I had intended to take, but here I am.

But what I struggle with is when I talk to my students, or with anybody for that matter, about abortion and they bring up my son and say, "Would you have had an abortion?" And when I say, "I thought about it," all of a sudden I'm this demonized woman, and I don't think it's fair.

Because, pro-choicers preach about having the right to choose. And the choice we advocate is woman's choice.

Not abortion choice.

Not pregnant choice.

Not have a family choice.

Not never have a family choice.

But a woman's personal choice. And that's it. I don't think my son would have hated me if I had an abortion because he wouldn't have had feelings because he wouldn't have existed. And of course that's sad to think now because he's staring right at me as I write. But it's just silly to think about, "How do you think they would have felt if you had aborted him?" Well, maybe you should think the same thing every time your husband throws his seed away in the condom. Maybe you should think the same every time you take your birth control. You're ceasing life from existing, therefore there's nobody to tell you "For shame! I could have been something."

In the end, I think it's important to just realize that abortion, no matter how legal or illegal you make it, will always be a woman's choice. It's just important that we allow women to make those choices safely, whether you would have one or not and whether you are pro-choice or not.

And if I don't convince you, please listen to Bill Nye. After all he's the science guy.