The right time to get married

I recently attended my older brother’s wedding, which was a beautiful event with just close family and some friends. While at his wedding I realized that he and his now wife met (yes MET) the day I got engaged, but I am still not married. So why the wait? I felt I was the butt of the joke because everyone kept asking when we were getting married, and I had no real answer other than: soon(ish).I basically wanted to tell everyone to back off, that we are taking our time for many reasons. But I just smiled and took pictures. This got me thinking about why there is so much pressure to get married. After all, I have been with my significant other for more than five years and we have basically lived together the entire time.

We moved to a different state, far away from friends and family, and survived and grew closer as a couple. Yet, there seems to be a lack of validation to our relationship because there is no legal paper linking us together. People are constantly telling me that we aren’t married because why would he want to “buy the cow, if he can get the milk for free,” which is the stupidest way of phrasing the reasons why we have not made it official. First of all, our relationship is a partnership which means we are both, for lack of a better phrase “getting milk for free”—we both benefit financially, emotionally, and physically from our relationship. I am not giving something up for free and he is not taking advantage of that. We are in this together, we work hard and we also enjoy every minute we spend together. So to imply that one party is benefiting while the other is simply there for their enjoyment is ludicrous and completely undermines our relationship.

So we live together, why shouldn’t we just get married? We are waiting, not for the perfect time, but for a better time. We met while in graduate school, and we both wanted to complete our degrees. Then we went on for a second master’s and a culinary degree. Then we waited because we wanted to find a stable job. We are still waiting for more permanent jobs and better pay. Speaking of money and other ugly things, financially, I am in deep student debt and my credit is basically in the crapper, so if we ever wanted to buy a house, we would not have been able to. I know that this is just a practical excuse co-habiters use as a reason to not get married. But we have worked hard to get to a financially stable place as a couple and it would be dumb to throw it all away because we couldn’t wait to get married just a little bit longer. I understand that there are couples who meet and get married right away, and if that feels like the right thing for you do to, then by all means do it. I am just saying that everyone is different, and our timing is just that: ours!

A lot of people who co-habit say they want to wait for the perfect time. Here is the thing, we know that there is no such thing as the perfect time, we are just waiting for a better time.

In other words, what I am trying to say is that the worst possible reason for getting married is because it is expected and because you are being pressured to do it. Enjoy your life as a couple and get married when it feels right for you. The only reason why you should be getting married is because you feel that you are ready for it. Whether you lived with your future spouse or not, you should only consider marriage when you are 100% sure that it is right for both of you regardless of a specific timeline. There is not right or wrong amount of time to date someone or to live with someone before you get married.

Finally, We are very lucky to have amazing examples of marriages. Both of our parents have been married for over 35 years, but not just married, they have amazing and loving partnerships. We have both been brought up to understand the importance of a good partnership and we will get married, but all in good time.